Today, we dive into the Principle of Balance in Giving and Taking, a fascinating concept often attributed to psychotherapist Bert Hellinger. Though the idea may seem simple, striking the right balance can profoundly impact our relationships and our sense of authenticity.

The Give-Take Imbalance: When the Principle Is Broken ❌

Most of us understand that a relationship suffers if one person is always taking and never giving back. What we often overlook is that the opposite—constantly giving and never taking—can be just as destructive. Why? Because it denies the other person the chance to contribute, which is an essential part of any healthy relationship.

The Guilt-Free Illusion of Giving 🎁

We tend to associate giving with virtuous behavior and taking with a sense of debt, often accompanied by guilt. This mindset can make us prone to giving too much. We think it shields us from guilt, but in fact it isolates us instead. The uncomfortable truth? When you give too much, people start to drift away, unable to feel they're contributing to the relationship. That is why it is important to maintain balance in your relationships by both giving and allowing to receive equally.

But of course there is no rule with out exceptions.

Unrepayable Debts: The Important Exception to the Rule 🌌

Life is complicated, and not all relationships fit into a neat give-and-take balance. Some people give us invaluable gifts that can never be fully reciprocated. The doctor that saves our life, the teacher that gives us a wealth of knowledge and the parent that nurtures from childhood to adolescence. Attempting to 'settle the score' in these relationships can lead to dysfunctional behavior. I have encountered couples in therapy who complain about overbearing mothers-in-law. One woman complained that whenever her mother-in-law came over for dinner, the mother-in-law would suggest a complete menu overhaul. The husband would readily comply, leaving the wife to redo the entire meal.

But before we shake our heads in disbelief of the husband from this example, let’s remember that this was done from the positive drive of wanting to balance giving and taking. The problem was that it was an unrepayable debt of a mother's lifelong care and love and his wife was left the constant loser.

Gratitude Over Debt: The Art of Acknowledgment and Paying It Forward 🙏

The best way to address unrepayable relationships isn't to endlessly try to give back but to show heartfelt gratitude. Acknowledge the value they've added to your life without feeling the compulsion to even the scales. But gratitude shouldn't end there. Take it a step further by paying it forward. In the case of a mother's lifelong care and love, balance isn't achieved by outdoing her in acts of love towards her. Instead, aim to be an equally wonderful parent to your own children. This way, the cycle of giving and taking is balanced, but in a broader, more beautiful context.

Today’s Take-Away: Reclaiming Balance ⚖️

As you go about your week, reflect on your own give-and-take dynamics. Are you leaning too far in one direction? Ask yourself:

Are there any relationships where I take too much? Then make an effort to give.

Are there any relationships where I give too much? Then allow for the other person to give

And are there any relationships where I am trying to repay an unrepayable debt? Then stop, show gratitude and balance things out by paying it forward.

Remember, a truly authentic life embraces both giving and taking in a harmonious balance as well as paying it forward.